


Over Again

by summerisokay



Series: HP Pop Punk Fest 2021 [5]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: First War with Voldemort, Lie Low At Lupin's (Harry Potter), M/M, Marauders, POV Remus Lupin, Post-Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Post-Sirius Black in Azkaban, Relationship Issues, Second War with Voldemort, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-07
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-14 12:52:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29917191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/summerisokay/pseuds/summerisokay
Summary: At the lowest points in their relationship, Remus and Sirius tend to alternate between fighting and silence. Luckily, they end up with a few chances to try it over again.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Series: HP Pop Punk Fest 2021 [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2191209
Kudos: 10
Collections: HP Pop Punk Fest 2021





	1. Summer 1981

**Author's Note:**

> Days five and six of the Harry Potter Pop Punk Fest! I had similar ideas for these two prompts, so I decided to make them two parts of one story. (BTW, I am taking a week off from posting to finish my classes. See you with prompt 7 next Monday!)  
> Prompt (day 5)- Always by blink-182

Remus swore he could feel the warmth of his boyfriend’s head on his chest, but it had to be a dream. He recognized that it was pathetic- even in a fantasy, he didn’t dare kiss or touch the man who lay just across the bed from him- still, there he was. 

It used to be a given that he and Sirius would hold each other all night, waking in the morning with their limbs still tangled together. That was before the war had reached its current fever pitch, taking all that they had to give and then some. When they weren’t fighting with the enemy, they were fighting with each other. Having a spy in their midst made this distinction agonizingly blurry, but Remus was not ready to think about that. 

Instead, in an effort to savor the moment before reality stole away this dream, he kept his eyes stubbornly shut. He thought he could hear the soft droning of rain outside, though it may have just been the building shifting. Spending so much time away from home, sent on fruitless and exhaustingly secretive missions for the Order, left him unsure of these formerly familiar details. 

It was only in this moment of stillness that he heard Sirius breathing, sounding much closer than the far side of the bed. Before he could stop himself, Remus opened his eyes and looked. 

Sure enough, there was Sirius, fast asleep and draped halfway over his body. As Remus came fully into consciousness, he noticed all the points of contact that he had missed- Sirius’s chest grazing his side, right arm slung across his waist, touch soft and tentative in a way that he once reserved for Remus alone. His face looked more peaceful than it had in weeks, framed by silky black hair long enough to brush Remus’s shoulder. He was achingly beautiful, as always. 

Remus was quite aware that their relationship was dying. In moments like this, he’d do anything to take them back in time. He missed the easy laugh and smile of the boy he met over a decade ago at Hogwarts, the one who held Remus’s shaking hands upon discovering his secret and promised to never say goodbye. Nowadays, he seemed halfway out the door at all times. 

Sirius began to stir. Remus wanted to cry, not ready for the moment to end. He watched the other man’s face go through the same process of confusion, seeming to linger in a way that left a flutter of hope in Remus’s chest, before he lifted his head and made eye contact. 

“Hi,” Remus said. When did their interactions become so stilted?

“You should have woken me up,” Sirius replied groggily, though he did not move. He continued to study Remus, searching for something in his eyes that both of them knew he could not give.

“I’ve missed you,” was all Remus said. It was the truth. 

Sirius continued to stare, so he stared back. They’d been there before a few times- on the precipice of reconciliation, prepared to throw caution to the wind and tell the truth in spite of its consequences. 

The moment passed, though, and Sirius simply hummed in reply and laid his head back down. It was nowhere near what the two of them needed, but it was at least something. If he closed his eyes again, Remus could even pretend that they were the same as always. 

_I’m so sick of fights, I hate them._

_Let’s start this again, for real._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on [Tumblr](https://summerisokayatwriting.tumblr.com/)!


	2. Summer 1995

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Days five and six of the Harry Potter Pop Punk Fest! I had similar ideas for these two prompts, so I decided to make them two parts of one story  
> Prompt (day 6)- Fall for You by Secondhand Serenade

Looking back, Remus scoffed at the days when he had begged the universe for a chance to start over with Sirius. He should have expected this request to be taken much too literally. 

Not to mention, a new start didn’t guarantee a different ending, and some things had not changed over the course of 14 years. They both felt the gaping absences of their friends, most of them either dead or traitorous, and 12 years behind bars had worn the once bright Sirius Black down to the core; but they were always either fighting or silent, a state that felt as painfully familiar as the threat of war. 

Thankfully, they weren’t fighting that night, which made it easily their best since Dumbledore first instructed Sirius to “lay low at Lupin’s.” Remus had foolishly thought that he was strong enough to keep it together, swearing as much when Sirius suggested finding a different hideout. 

The days that followed, punctuated with traded barbs and arguments that cycled over and over, quickly made him change his mind. Remus finally accepted that it was impossible to find a way through the barriers between them. His only hope was to avoid them with silence.

It was more characteristic of them than anything else- stubbornly making the same mistakes as before, willfully forgetting their previous failures, and still wondering why they fell apart. 

Among the less dire of these recurring mistakes was Sirius’s insistence on trying to cook, even though his efforts resulted in fire more often than food. 

“I’m sorry,” Sirius said after Remus had successfully contained the crisis. 

_You’re going to burn my fucking house down_ , he thought. “It’s fine,” he said. 

“It’s just- my magic-”

“Really, Sirius. It’s fine.” With a deep breath, willing himself to hold onto their fragile peace, Remus sent the blackened pan to the sink and summoned a new one. He turned his attention to shuffling through his fridge for a suitable substitute, putting a bit too much focus into the task. 

“I wanted to do something nice.” Remus almost missed his words over the sizzle of a new round of sausages in the pan.

“Why?” he asked, pretending to be much more interested in the surface of the stovetop: black and smooth, the yellow light overhead casting small shadows among the scattered crumbs.

“You’ve done nice things for me,” Sirius said. “I appreciate it.”

“Doesn’t seem like it.” He didn’t intend for his response to carry with it the bitterness that he felt. Cursing his own temper, Remus listened for the telltale signs of another row to come- a chair pushed in too harshly, a signature Sirius Black scoff- but he heard nothing. 

The sausages finished cooking, joining the potatoes that Sirius, thankfully, had not burned (though the somewhat watery texture betrayed how overcooked they were). Remus brought their plates to the table, set with clearly mismatched forks and knives. He silently sat in the chair that rocked unsteadily on a poorly-attached leg. 

Sirius, equally silent, was the last to sit down and the first to finish eating, the harrowing memory of food scarcity fresher in his mind than it was in Remus’s. Once Remus was done, gaze locked on the scratched wood grain of the table to avoid the stare he had long been able to feel without seeing, Sirius brought their dishes to the kitchen. He cleaned the silverware, letting Remus take over for the plates that they both knew he was liable to break. Sirius lingered close. 

“I’m sorry,” he said, voice imbued with an emotion that tried to imitate the softness Sirius once reserved for their youthful love. It came out plain and sad, but somehow truer than ever before. 

Remus acquiesced a weak smile. It was difficult to ignore how many bad qualities they had retained over the years, but Remus was struck by one of the few good ones- sometimes, when they were too tired to fight and too lonely to be silent, they could fall for each other again.

With the constant uncertainty about whether they would live to see another day, it was enough. 

_I may have failed,_

_But I have loved you from the start._

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on [Tumblr](https://summerisokayatwriting.tumblr.com/)!


End file.
